Harder To Say Than I love You
by LeaveMeBleeding
Summary: I lifted my hand above the table so he could see what I was holding and said the hardest words of my life YAOI MattxMello fluffy rated T for language


Three years…had it really been that long already? I mused as I absentmindedly played some game on my DS. Tomorrow would be Mello's and my third year anniversary I wanted to do something special, I had the perfect idea. Mello was asleep the last time I checked but there was no telling how long that would last. I hoped it would last long enough for me to finalize some arrangements which I realized at that point that if I didn't get started quickly would never fall into place. It took me about five minutes to find my cell phone of course that was after the ten minutes it took to pry myself away from my game.

When I called information I got a busy signal I didn't even know that was possible. I suppose I could look for the phone book but that would just eat up more time then waiting for the information line to clear. So for the next couple of minutes I started organizing the plan in my head finding that it didn't need much organization, what I had in mind was fairly simple kind of sappy but nice. The phone rang the next time I called an operator answered the line in a dull voice I thought operators were supposed to be friendly and cheery oh well I liked it better this way. I asked her for the number to a jeweler that I had run across in a magazine a month or so ago. After receiving the number I hung up the phone leaving the operator to her boring job.

"Hello Sampson jewelers how may I help you?" The man who answered the phone didn't sound like he really cared if he could help me more like he was brutally forced into answering my call.

"Hello I was wondering what your prices are for gold bands." Why was I bothering to be polite I was expecting some obscene number opposed to a nice answer to my question.

"We sell sets of gold bands for $75 a set." Blunt enough reply and not as ungodly a price as I was expecting, in fact it was workable I asked the man to put a set on hold under the name Matt Jeevas (I wasn't going to use my real name but I had to give him something) and informed him that I'd be in to pick them up this afternoon. With a rude grunt of agreement and a gruff goodbye the man hung up the phone.

'Definitely interesting' I thought I hadn't actually been expecting the first place I'd call to work about but apparently my luck wasn't out to get me today. I just jinxed it I cursed myself setting to work on the next part of my plan. The next number I called was one I had memorized over the course of the last couple of years, the place I was calling just happened to be Mello's favourite chocolate shop in town, I'd had the thought a week or so ago that maybe he'd appreciate a box or two of chocolate, I know it's corny but it's more practical than leather not that I didn't approve of him wearing leather.

Yeah I jinxed it, it turned out that the shop wasn't open today or tomorrow cursing under my breath I hung up my phone and started to formulate a backup plan. Maybe I would have to go with the leather idea…what could I get Mello that was leather that was romantic enough for what I had planned. Then it hit me not literally but close, something leather and romantic that somewhat kept the corny feel of the chocolates. I picked up my phone and dialed information again this time the woman who picked up was a bit to enthusiastic and I found myself wishing I'd looked for the phone book instead.

I requested the number to a leather store I had heard Mello mention before quickly hanging up the phone after receiving the information I needed relieved to not have that high pitched voice wailing in my ear any longer. The person who took my call at the leather shop was much nicer than the man at the jewelers but thankfully not as excited as the operator. It suddenly struck me that a man answered at the jewelers and a woman at the leather store was that weird to anyone else? I asked her what they priced for custom designs she told me the scale on which they charged and I winced a little at the price on the larger items. I told her that I would like a medium sized box in brown leather with the words Mello's chocolates on it and a small heart. I almost laughed at myself as I requested this it was a tad more corny than I had meant for it to be but oh well even if Mello laughed it was the though that counted.

"Matt you out there?" I quickly said bye into the receiver and closed my phone not wanting Mello to know what I was doing before I did it.

"Yeah good morning sunshine." I called back smiling imagining the irritated look Mello would have on his face, getting to my feet pocketing my cell phone.

"Sunshine, really?" I yelped as Mello grabbed my waist from behind making him chuckle a little.

"Yes sunshine blondie." I turned in his grasp so that I was facing him instinctively wrapping my arms around his neck pulling him in for a kiss. He kissed back firmly leading me to believe that had been his plan all along I wasn't complaining though if he wanted to start his day kissing me well I wasn't going to stop him.

"So what are you doing today?" he asked once we had parted from the kiss not letting go of my waist.

"I need to go grab some stuff today so I'll be out for a little while later what are you doing?" I kept my answer discrete not wanting to give away exactly what I was doing just telling him enough to keep him from badgering me.

"As of now nothing would you get me some chocolate while your out my stash is running low." I stifled a laugh at the thought of his usually overflowing stash of chocolate being nearly empty how he could possibly stay that hot the way he goes after that stuff will always be a mystery to me.

"Sure is there anything else I can get you master." I must have been feeling a little out of it maybe Mello actually had laced those cookies with hash but that's beside the point either way I was saying weird things this morning.

"Master…I like that." Mello chuckled at my comment leaning in to kiss my neck causing me to yelp once more.

"Mello you pervert!" I responded playfully smacking him upside the head before wiggling out of his grasp flinging myself unceremoniously onto the couch.

"You started it, anyway when are you leaving." He seated himself on the arm of the couch next to my head looking down at me with one of his 'please take the hint' looks.

I retrieved my cell phone from my pocket checking the time before informing Mello that I'd probably leave soon. Upon hearing this Mello jumped off of the couch and offered me a hand. I took it laughing at Mello's definition of 'soon'. Once he had me on my feet he embraced me again his touch sending little chills down my spine like it always did. The chills only increased when his pressed his lips against mine inviting me into one of the kisses that probably would last forever if we had nothing else to do. After a minute or so of that though I pulled away convincing myself that I could kiss Mello anytime but what I needed to do right now needed to be done right now.

"I love you Mells see you this afternoon." I said as I headed for the door faintly hearing his reply as the door squeaked closed and once again reminded myself to do something about it of course I'd forget and the door would still be squeaking at me next month.

Once I was securely fastened into my car (aka being chocked to death by my seatbelt) I pulled my cigarettes out of my vest pocket lighting one before revving the engine to life and pulling out of the parking lot. The two most important things to accomplish today was to purchase the rings and find the perfect place to do what I had in mind. I realize it wasn't very smart of me to plan everything but where it was going to happen but thinking ahead isn't really in my character so it was a miracle I had even planned this much. Somehow every time I left the apartment I ended up in a traffic jam today was no exception after about five minutes stopped at a red light I began to wonder if god had purposely created traffic jams to ruin peoples days. After deciding he probably had the line of cars began to move forward admittedly somewhat sluggishly but it was moving nevertheless.

Approximately thirty minutes and half a box of cigarettes later I found myself on the street I needed to be. The jewelry shop wasn't hard to find it was located in a small strip center between a book store and a pizza parlor I couldn't help but think that was a strange place to stick a jewelry shop…or maybe it was the pizza parlor that was out of place. The store smelled vaguely of varnish and pizza not an altogether unpleasant smell I noted. When I reached the front desk it wasn't very hard to figure out which guy had answered the phone earlier so despite what my better senses were telling me he was the one I beckoned.

"Hello I'm here to pick of a set of rings put on hold for matt Jeevas." I hadn't realized before that moment that my 'professional' voice sounded more like I was trying to con someone. The man grunted as he had on the phone and reached under the desk pulling out a small grey box that I was assuming housed the wedding bands. I took the box from the man behind the counter and opened it simple enough just two gold bands set in a black velvet cushion. I sat the box down on the counter top pulling out my wallet and dishing a hundred dollar bill (my last one) from its depths. I handed the money to the man pocketing my wallet along with the rings and waiting for the man to give me my change. I didn't bother returning the money to my wallet just slid it into a vest pocket turning to leave realizing that the pizza from next door smelled to good to resist.

The parlor was dimly lit only a few people seated at the tables carrying on barely audible conversations I kind of liked the way the place felt. I took a seat in a booth near the back more out of habit than worrying about people seeing me Mello had almost broke me of that fear. A waitress in a red apron came over handed me a menu and sat a glass of water on the table I handed the menu back to her and told her I'd have a small sausage pizza figuring that there was very little chance of a pizza place not having sausage pizza. She nodded and walked back towards what I assumed was the kitchen and I went back to studying the dining area.

The ceiling was low but not ridiculously so, decorated with various ornaments most of which I couldn't really put a name to. Each table was set with a small candle in a deep jar and a taper in a taller candle holder a couple sitting closer to the front had both candles lit and it looked cozy. The waitress brought me my food a couple of minutes later and I was pleased to discover it was quite tasty. It only took a little more though to realize that this place would work wonderfully for the romantic thing I had planned for Mello's and my anniversary. I finished my pizza about fifteen minutes later, asked the waitress for my bill, paid a reasonably cheap price for my food and walked out into the daylight. Thanks to my goggles I wasn't overwhelmed by the sunlight after having been in the dim light of the restaurant.

When I was once more buckled into my car I made my way towards the nearest convenience store to get Mello a couple bars of chocolate deciding to buy some small heart shaped chocolates to put in the box I was getting for him. After purchasing the sweets I made my way in the direction of the leather store where once more my crappy jinxed lucky bit me in the ass. The lady running the register told me that the box wouldn't be ready until the fallowing morning I grumbled a little before telling her I'd be in to pick it up at eight the next day. Why eight, because there was no way in hell Mello would wake up that early I don't even think it's physically possible for him.

I was about half way home when I realized I had no way of getting the rings inside without Mello noticing, after pointlessly panicking for a minute or so I realized I could just leave them in the car it wouldn't kill them. The chocolate I had got to put in the box was a different story I decided I could pretty much conceal them in my vest pockets until I got inside then I could hide them in my room for the night. Pulling into the parking lot of our apartment complex I removed the rings from my jeans and stuck them in the glove compartment. It took a couple of minutes to get the chocolates hidden in my vest but once I had accomplished that I grabbed the bag of chocolate bars and headed inside.

Mello was slouching on the couch thumbing through a book when I entered the apartment he looked up when he heard me and smiled widely. Before I had even had time to remove my shoes my blondie tackled me. For a third time that day I yelped just barely managing to catch myself against the door as Mello came in contact with me. I wanted to think he was just that happy to see me but I figured it was partially due to the rather large bag of chocolate I was holding. I awkwardly handed him the bag awkward to due the fact that he had me pinned rather effectively to the door. He set the bag on the floor after taking it from me cutting off any co9mment I was about to make with a rather passionate kiss. I kissed back somewhat eagerly. When breathing became necessary he retrieved the bag of chocolate from the floor and headed back to the couch. It was strange how we still weren't completely past the heat of a new relationship I had a feeling it would take another three years at least before we cooled down.

I made my way my room to hide the chocolates. My room had only two purposes one to store all of my stuff and two to hide anything I didn't want to be found by Mello seeing as though at night we shared his room. I plugged my cell phone into the charger and tossed my vest onto the dresser before venturing back into the living room. I wasn't the least bit surprised to find Mello devouring a chocolate bar at light speed although I did find his intense look of concentration amusing. I must have laughed a little or something because he looked up from the candy in his hand to wave me over. For some reason I decided to jump over the back of the couch I don't know why I must have still been feeling the after effects of Mello's hash cookies. Ok so he probably didn't actually put crack in the cookies but for some reason I was feeling unusually strange. This time he yelped as I landed on his extended legs continuing to laugh even as he pushed me off onto the floor.

"So what's on the agenda for the rest of the night?" I questioned peeling myself off the carpet and sitting on his legs this time he let me stay there even going so far as to set his chocolate aside to pull me into his arms.

"I don't have anything planned although there are some things I could suggest." He made his intentions quite clear by once again kissing my neck but this time finding a sensitive spot making me squirm a little.

"Lets save that for later last time we did it this early you complained about having nothing to do that night." I nuzzled against him nonetheless enjoying just the closeness more than should be legal. He just grumbled something into my collar and continued to hold me against him. I couldn't help but wonder how his nymphomaniac body was dealing with this sometimes all it took was a look to drive him crazy.

After a few moments discussion (so it was a little one sided but we'll ignore that) we decided to do separate things for a while. Meaning I would play my video games and quite honestly I don't even want to know what Mello did in his alone time. While I set up one of my numerous game consoles I heard Mello storing his chocolate which for some reason triggered my already slightly hysterical mood causing me to collapse in a rather unexpected fit of laughter.

"Who died?" Mello asked reentering the living room looking curiously at me as I knelt in front of the television trying to catch my breath.

"No one yet, Mello did you put hash in those cookies?" I answered his question with one of my own standing awkwardly turning to face him realizing the room was spinning just a bit more than usual.

"Ok Matt what is wrong with you today, no I did not put anything funny in the cookies." Mello crushed my hope that I wasn't really going insane but the fond voice which he used to ask me if I was crazy made it difficult to once again kill a fit of laughter before it escaped my lips.

"Nothing wrong…I don't think." I walked across the room embracing my blonde resting my head against his chest unable to avoid a small chuckle at nothing in particular.

"That didn't last long." Mello teased wrapping his arms around my waist pressing me against him. I knew what he was talking about but that's ok I had a pretty good feeling it wouldn't have lasted long anyway. I wiggled on hand away from him using it to remove his cell phone from his back pocket in order to check the time.

"Y'know I'm feeling kind of out of it I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep." 'out of it' was just my excuse for going to bed early seeing as though I had to be at the leather store at eight and I never got up that early.

"Are you kidding Matt it's only nine." His arms continued to hold me firmly against him but I was so nervous about tomorrow that I didn't even bother to react to the amount of touching.

"Yeah but I've been feeling a little odd all day I'm ready for bed." I managed to step away from him walking towards my room to ready myself for the night.

"You really are lazy, fine I'll join you when I'm ready for bed." Mello stood watching me with one hand on his hip which I noted was a rather feminine pose.

I didn't drift off for a couple more hours due to nerves eating away at my mind. I woke a little when Mello climbed into the bed around one but I lay as still as possible in an attempt to make him believe I was sleeping soundly. I grinned slightly into my blanket as he draped one arm around my waist nuzzling into my back it was moments like this that I remembered why I love this man and remembering that made me feel a little more confident about what I was going to do on the morrow. I fell asleep again shortly after that thought coming to the conclusion that I would never sleep well without Mello there with me.

My phone went off at seven thirty as planned I turned it off quickly to avoid disturbing Mello. As quietly as I could manage I climbed out of bed smiling at how beautiful my blondie looked in his sleep. More peaceful then his waking state much less likely to throw a toaster through the window. I showered quickly dressing in a black and white stripped shirt and dark blue jeans retrieving my vest from the bedroom along with the chocolates I bought yesterday. I was ready to leave at seven forty five giving me just enough time to pick up the box before coming back to get Mello.

Upon entering my car I lit a cigarette realizing I was awfully low mentally noting to pick some up later after I risked my relationship with Mello. That thought shocked me I hadn't really thought of it as risking our relationship before I calmed my nerves once again by telling myself that he loved me proposing wasn't going to ruin that…was it? The parking lot at the leather shop was almost empty then again who in their right mind would be buying leather at eight o'clock in the morning.

The same woman as yesterday was working when I entered the store she smiled in greeting reaching under the counter to pull out a square wrapped in brown paper. I walked over saying a polite hello before handing her a wad of random bills from my wallet. She counted to make sure I had given her the correct amount she handed me the box pulling my change from the register and setting it in my open palm. I thanked her noticing that I was acting a little jittery as if I had had one to many cups of coffee.

I unwrapped the box when I was back in my car blushing slightly at how cliché the box seemed. I arranged the chocolates as neatly as I could, they covered the bottom of the box with one row on top. Closing the box I set it on the passenger seat starting the engine doing a best to keep a hold on my raving nerves. I dawdled a bit on the way back to the apartment picking up a carton of cigarettes and traveling about 3 miles below the speed limit. Before exiting the car I checked the glove compartment making sure the rings where still there even though my car had been locked all night. Seeing that they where there and intact I made my way back into the apartment.

The shower was running when I entered informing me that Mello was awake sending me into what came close to a nervous breakdown. Luckily I was getting that out of the way now jabbering insanely and shaking probably would have made Mello suspicious I only had to wait a couple more hours before I finally got this accomplished…these were going to be the longest hours of my life I could already tell. I entertained my mind with my DS until I heard Mello exit the bathroom my heart was pounding so hard I found myself wondering why it was trying to escape my chest.

"Where'd you run off to?" Mello asked standing behind the couch looking at me with mock acquisition a grin teasing the corners of his moth.

"I was out of cigarettes anyway do you know what today is?" I was pretty sure he remembered I just wanted to make sure he didn't have anything really planned.

"Has it really been three years already?" He asked seating himself on the couch by climbing over the back rather ungracefully.

"Yeah I can hardly believe it, I've got something I'd like to do today." I said that a little faster than I had intended and I realized I was starting to get jittery again the fact that he chose that point to grab my hand didn't help, I was almost positive that my heart really would shatter my diaphragm now.

"Are you going to tell me or will I have to wait and see?" His tone was teasing a rather wide smile taking over his mouth.

"There's just this restaurant I found that I'd like to take you to and I figured today would be as good as any." I tried my best not to sound nervous I needed to not give anything away before it was time to actually do it I wanted it to be a surprise.

"Well I haven't planned anything other than sitting around here all day so sure why not." He didn't sound overly excited but he smiled nonetheless making his eyes light up a little showing that he was at least happy.

"Ok then we'll go there for lunch until then I need to catch up on a little video game time." I leaned forward placing a light kiss on the corner of his mouth before releasing his hand and getting to my feet.

I decided to play Soul Caliber for a while hoping that some violence would calm me down. Mello did nothing while I played he just sat there watching me eating a bar of chocolate I think he was suspicious about what I had planned or maybe I was just thinking to much.. At about eleven thirty I decided I couldn't wait any more the anxiety was killing me. I got up shutting off the game console and offering Mello a hand.

"We going now Matt?" He asked taking my hand allowing me to pull him to his feet. With my free hand I reached up and adjusted my goggles it gave my hand something to do if nothing else.

"Yeah I don't know about you but I'm hungry." I tried to sound nonchalant fighting back the urge to beat my head against something I had to get this over with before I really did lose my sanity.

Mello told me to go ahead out to the car he'd be there in a moment which turned out to be quite fortunate. I hadn't realized I had left the box sitting on the passenger seat I hastily stowed it beneath the back seat balling up the brown paper and shoving it into the glove compartment removing the rings while it was open. I had just managed to hide the rings in my pocket and seat myself in front of the wheel when Mello sauntered out of the apartment complex.

"Are you ever going to give that up?" Mello questioned making a face at my 'cancer stick' as he belted himself into the car rather grudgingly I noticed.

"Last time I tried things didn't go so well." I put out the cigarette for his benefit pushing down on the gas pedal remembering after a moment that the car has to be started first I was feeling somewhat scatterbrained once again my nerves were at fault.

The drive to the pizza parlor took about fifteen minutes, by the time we got there I felt like I was going to pass out apposed to having lasted forever those last few hours went by all to quickly. I told Mello to go in and check the place out while I had a cigarette he just sighed and headed towards the entrance. I didn't actually smoke another cigarette what I did was retrieve the box from the back and hyperventilate for about a minute. I smiled upon entering the restaurant seeing that Mello had chosen the same booth I had occupied the previous day. He raised an eyebrow at the box in my hand as I made my way over to the table. I felt the colour rise in my cheeks as I sat down and handed it to him.

"You got me something?" He sounded surprised although why I don't know I had gotten him something on our previous anniversaries as well.

"Yeah I know it's corny but I figured a leather chocolate box would combine your two favourite things." I grinned widely at him as a waitress brought our water and menus. I was delighted at how pleased Mello looked.

"It's wonderful Matt but your wrong it's combining my second and third favourite things, unless you think you can squeeze in there with the chocolate." I was flattered 'damn I love this man' I thought deciding that maybe this wasn't going to be so hard after all.

We ordered a large sausage pizza at my request a few minutes later talking idly while we waited to be served. Mello managed to eat about half the chocolates in the box before the waitress returned with our pizza and dessert menus I teased him a little about it before he shut me up by leaning across the table and planting a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth. It was soon his turn to tease me as I ate the last slice of pizza at least half of the original pie sitting in my stomach. The waitress returned once more to remove the empty tray and take our dessert order. I decided to pop the question when we received our desserts I had ordered cherry pie while Mello ordered chocolate cake I wasn't at all surprised by his choice of sweets.

"Mello?" I asked some five minutes later setting down my cherry covered fork to place my hand on top of the hand that wasn't busy shoveling cake into Mello's mouth.

"Yeah what's up?" He replied turning his hand so that he could lace his fingers with mine as if my heart wasn't close enough to exploding as it was. I reached into my pocket and pulling one of the rings from the box before bringing my hand back to the table. 'Here it goes' I didn't give myself any more time to think after that I felt as confident now as I ever would.

"Mello we've been together for three years now and I love you more than I can explain." I started clenching my fist tightly around the ring giving him a chance to reply.

"I know Matt I love you to but why bring this up all of a sudden." His face took on an expression of curiosity one hand idly fingering the rosary around his neck.

I took a deep breath pulling his hand off of the table and squeezing it tightly before situating the ring between my thumb and forefinger. I lifted my hand above the table so he could see what I was holding and hardest words of my life "Mello will you marry me?" He gasped tightening his grip on my hand most likely cutting off the circulation to all of my fingers. I bit my lip as I waited for his reply a mixture of fear anxiety and impatience swirling around in my mind.

"Hell yes!" Mello exclaimed practically teleporting onto the seat next to me throwing his arms around me pinning me rather effectively to the bench. I could hardly believe he'd said yes I couldn't control the euphoria I felt at that moment I held him to me with one arm using the other to disengage his left arm and place the ring on his finger I wanted to scream or dance or cry this was to good to be true.

"I didn't think you'd ever ask that." He said breathlessly into my shoulder quite nearly squeezing the life out of me in his enthusiasm. I don't think I had ever seen him lose control of his feelings like this even in our relationship he had always had a strong hold on his emotions only expressing them minimally at once. Now all his emotions seemed to be boiling out of him he was breathing heavily shaking slightly I don't think he even realized he was doing that.

"To be honest I was scared shitless of doing this." I confided in my boyfriend (wait fiancé) kissing the top of his head utterly unaware of the looks we were receiving from the few other diners.

His only reply to that was moving his head from my shoulder to press his lips firmly against mine sending the ever so familiar chills through my body I kissed back passionately nothing mattered at the moment the world could be melting Hitler could be reborn all those starving kids could go hang for all I cared right then nothing could be more important than this feeling. All to soon we were forced to pull apart in order to breath, Mello got to his feet securing his new box beneath his arm and offering me a hand. I held up a finger signaling him to wait a second pulling the other ring from my pocket and slipping it onto my finger.

"Now it's official." I stated taking his hand allowing him to pull me to my feet. I waved the waitress over and asked for the bill once she brought it we split the price between us and made are way out of the restaurant everything seemed to be moving in sloe motion I was still partially trying to convince myself this wasn't a dream.

Most of the drive home was spent persuading each other that this was really happening but by the time we reached the apartment I think we were both pretty much convinced that we were engaged. During all the breaks in conversation I mentally beat myself up about being so nervous now that he had said yes I was angry with myself for doubting him. Once inside the apartment we collapsed on the couch I broke into a fit of laughter I was feeling giddy as well as deliriously happy. About ten minutes later I had managed to sober up I pulled my goggles down letting them hang around my neck wiping the excess water from my eyes. I turned to Mello wrapping my arm around him and resting my head on his shoulder we had just committed ourselves forever, I couldn't think of another person on the planet that I'd rather spend the rest of my life with.

"I love you Matt." Mello said quietly pushing a stray hair back from my face. I smiled as I saw the ring glint in the light from the windows this was definitely the most wonderful day of my life.

"I know I love you to, everything about you." I closed my eyes snuggling against him realizing I was actually rather tired. Mello rested his head against mine closing his eyes as well I don't remember falling asleep but I must have for when I woke up I was laying in our bed Mello's arm draped securely around my waist I knew now more than ever that this was how I wanted to wake up everyday for all of my life.


End file.
